process
I don’t know why I feel so surprised when I get blind sided with my old thoughts. The thoughts I am talking about are mostly negative, limiting and self deprecating.
Yeah, real nice.
Maybe they don’t sneak up on me, perhaps I am just ready to deal with a deeper level, though, I am taken aback by the power of negativity, and how debilitating it can be.
I am weaving through the matrix of my existence, and I am finding knots and holds that are still in need of repair.
This morning, I could hardly get into my studio to paint, because I have fallen into the trick of seeking approval, and comparison again. SIGH
When this happens, I can not even see what is in front of me. All I can focus on is how I am not enough> not beautiful enough, not talented enough, not creative enough, not intelligent enough. You get the picture.
In these moments, I have forgotten everything.
I finally made it out to the studio, tearfully mind you, and I sat down and cried all over my work.
Then I commenced to paint, and cry and paint.
What am I doing this for?
It does not matter I suppose.
Right now though, I am going to the yoga studio, and I am going to practice before I teach. Maybe I can find the love again, maybe it is not gone, maybe I am just learning how to accept and let go.
Who the hell knows
June 23rd, 2007 at 12:49 pm
* hug for you *
frustrating isn’t it? when we rely on ourselves we fail with stress and unhappiness. when we rely on others we feel weak and needy. the mind is a merciless companion.
you are a powerful teacher, a deep and complex artist, a very very bright light.
don’t be afraid to seek balance and healing.
* another hug *
June 23rd, 2007 at 6:38 pm
:)
HUG