In shreads
I don’t know what to do. I want to shred these paintings apart, and I want to work with them tenderly. I am feeling impatient and urgent. I want to scream, and cry and rip my hair out. But mostly I want to cry.
These tears are heavy, old and spill out from time to time, but I feel the flood gates are ready to open. I wonder if I will drown.
No I have been submerged in old ways for too long, yet I am overwhelmed, afraid I cant do it. What if I cant let go.
I am scared.
I don’t want to be wrong.
Back to work, but with trust, I have to trust.
I wish to let go, with each exhale and free myself layer by layer.
December 3rd, 2006 at 4:38 pm
I’m no one to talk… but in terms of creativity, art, inspiration… be gentle with yourself if you can be. The effort, the struggle, the pain my very well be a part of it, but to force it, to judge it, to over-think it, to allow any ego into it, in my experience, is to destroy it. Even if it’s good…
* encouraging hug *
December 3rd, 2006 at 9:47 pm
your post made me think of a picture my mother has. it is by mary engelbreit, i think, and it has a poem about a little boy who was so sad that he cried and cried and cried until he floated off to a new place on a river of his own tears. i will see if she still has it and take a photo of it for you.
hang in there. at least you are working. i feel completely blocked, trying to consider it seed time.
when you get through it, let me know, a friend is opening a new gallery on south main, i will put you in touch with him, and i will play your opening. :)
December 4th, 2006 at 12:39 am
:) I have to keep working. I can’t exactly say that I have no choice, but it is an essential part of how I express who I am and I feel like it keeps m alive. There is a lot inside now aching to come out, and it always shows up in my work.
I am expanding and I am having growing pains, every where in my life.
It hurts and I feel naked.
I have been working on my art (and myself) long enough to understand the process, but that intellectual understanding means nothing to my spirit. I don’t know if this makes any sense.
I am putting myself out there and I am scared. But I am doing this deliberately and I am striving to be conscious and open in the process.
I welcome what ever comes in my path as long as I am healing and growing in all parts of my life.
In terms of my art work, I definitely need to show in other places in addition to PN. As a gallery, they are awesome, and want me to expand too. So the prospect of other venues is great. I need to show in other cities too.
I have refrained from destroying what I have been working on (sometimes that IS the answer), I am actually going to have some patients and get out of my own way.
Oh what fun it is, she says while wiping tears from her eyes.
December 4th, 2006 at 2:04 am
I’ve spent much of the last year in tears.
I understand…
Follow them. Let them out. Let them show you the way.
December 4th, 2006 at 5:29 am
:)