arline jernigan

I am in my head today, and I don’t much like it. I need to get out and do something fun.

My brain seems to be hardwired to think, analyze, and systematically “figure things out”, to the point of nauseum.

Conversely, I am highly creative, and this part of me laughs at the scheming, analytical part of my mind.

The two worlds have not been in sync lately, and it has caused some frustration within me, and since this is my stomping ground for working things out, and sharing my process, here I go.

Part of suffering, comes from this identification to who and what we think we are, and what we do everyday. For example, I am a girl, a woman, an artist, a yoga teacher friend, sister, a daughter etc… Going deeper > identifying with beliefs that make up our make up or character, which could be affirming or pejorative, “I am good or I am bad, I am ugly or I am beautiful, smart, stupid. But the things we identify ourselves by are just constructs, and are really not the essence of who we are. We think we are ’something’ and we spend our whole lives trying to live up to the image that we construct, yet we (most people at some point, anyway) seek meaning and purpose, beyond what is in our everyday world. Therein lies a dilemma, and suffering takes place. Why, because we don’t have to seek, what we really want, is inside each and every human being. Most of the time we don’t recognize this, because we get caught up in our little web of story line, or we just don’t give a damn.

Through my studies and practice, I really am starting to see, at least with in myself, all the ways that I cut myself off from the essence of my being, how I cut off the creative flow, and when the blinders come on, and how deep this matrix goes. Seriously, I have been practicing yoga for a while now, and part of that practice is intense self study, so I have seen patterns in my body, mind and behavior a lot, it is just that I don’t always know what to do with the information that I gather.

Then it dawned on me… I am to do nothing. I am to sit still, do absolutely nothing, and be with what is right there. Through the act of being, not doing, I will be guided to places I truly need to be. Next, I have to really tap into that inner love, that is pure and real.

I am sure that I have had this realization before, but today it feels like a light bulb went on, though only after I did a number on myself, through massive self pity and through berating myself for being caught up in the self pity.

It is quite laughable.

I will surely keep doing the things I do, I love them, most of them anyway. I just have to remember to be still too, and let the breath take care of my thinking thinking thinking. Yes, then I am open to receive, and am able to give.

Now, it is time for me to go out, and find some fun to have. : )

I tell ya, I just have not been into posting lately. I did have my computer quit on me, and was out of it for about a week or so. I just could not post using my Iphone more than once, that was enough.

Apparently my hard drive went out, and it seems, that there is no real shelf life to them. Sometimes you are unfortunate and get a faulty one. I think that must be what happened to my first ipod. It never worked correctly, and always died and came back to life shortly before finally exiting completely.

I have really been organizing lately. I love to do this, as well as clean thoroughly. It is instant gratification, and it really feels good when it is done. My house is always tidy, and I straighten everyday, but getting on my hands and knees and scrubbing somehow feels very cathartic. Obviously that does not happen everyday, nor does it need to.

My car is another story… There is no trash scattered around, as I have a trash bag inside, but basically it is the book mobile, and yoga studio on wheels. Along with books, matts, blocks and blankets, are notebooks/ sketchbooks, art supplies, and walking shoes, incase I want to go walking with my friend. I try to keep it neat, but it can be a challenge.

So, I have been going through these old note books, and reading articles and notes that I have saved (some are well over a year old), and now I am deciding what is important for me to keep. Things are scattered in semi organized piles in my painting studio, waiting to find their respective homes. I have the art files, the yoga files, fashion, and home decor.

I really want to find a way to make bookshelves for my car, because I have a ton of books in there, and they are staying, incase I get time to go to the coffee shop just to read or study.

It’s pretty mundane, isn’t it, but most of everyday life is. Thats OK though, there is pleasure and beauty in the mundane, don’t you think.

Well, technology is at once amazing, humbling, and frustrating.

I am writing this from my new iPhone (thank you) Jason and teddy). The reason I am writing in my journal, on my iPhone, is that my laptop is at the apple hospital, being fixed. I have no clue as to what the problem is.

It is quite amazing that we have the ability to do what we can do electronically. Sometimes I take it for granted. That is, until something goes wrong, leaving me frustrated a d confused.

I am humbled, and am reminded that I am a beginner, and I don’t have to have all the answers.

Everything will be fixed soon (hopefully), and the 2 1/2 hours that I was at the apple store wasn’t completly for not, I got to reflect on how grateful I am for all I have. There is always room for gratitude.

I hope the hungover person behind the geniois bar, who tried to help me, gets the rest she needs.

And with that, I will sign off.

I hate that I will miss Sunday soul again. It is the best ever!

The other day, I was having a conversation with someone about rules. The topic came up, because I had a situation at the airport, where the day I was to leave, was incorrect , and I missed my plane. It was a mistake that I did not catch when I made my reservations, so I had to call a number, to be greeted by an irritated and unfriendly person. When I explained my situation, she said, “now how did YOU mess up the reservations again?” Of course my horns started to emerge, I wanted to tear into her, but luckily my friend Jason was there to offer support, and I was able to stay grounded (for the most part).

There are so many rules at the airport, and they keep adding more. You can’t you can’t you can’t, is the message it seems, and some people are sticklers, who do not want to help, even when they can.

I got home, and I had to pay to do so, about as much as the trip cost in the first place, but I suppose it could have been worse.

I am on the opposite side when it comes to rules set by others. I have a very difficult time with these rules, even if they make sense. I seem to rebel, even when I don’t really need to. I do fine with guidelines, because guidelines provide space.

I am learning how to embrace certain rules though, because yesterday, I found myself downtown at 201 Poplar, in traffic court. I had let my tags expire> AGAIN <. This is something that I have done over and over and over. Not only do I let my tags expire, I try and scheme my way out of the trouble I have gotten myself in. FOR WHAT!?!

This is a pattern. It boils down to me not wanting to take responsibility for my actions. It must change.

While I was standing there with the hundred other people in line (I got there early and still had to wait 45 minutes), I had to laugh at myself. I thought “here I am again” , now it is time to move forward, you don’t need to visit this place anymore.

Everything worked out perfectly when I made the decision to take care of business. I got my car to inspection and it passed, I got my tags renewed, and I reorganized my schedule, so that I would not miss any classes. There was really no pain involved, and I got to see something that made me grateful for my practice of yoga and meditation. Those practices give me strength and wisdom to not react to my world, as well as deal what life offers. And not only that, now I can drive with out dodging the police ;)

I am still working on the rules that I place on myself, however. These are the toughest, and here I can be a very strict master. I am learning though, how to be more flexible with myself, and I notice that when I do that, the world I live in is more flexible. It is pretty cool like that.

Have a fun day : ), I am going to.