arline jernigan

I don’t always remember my dreams, and usually they are quite abstract, this one was no different, but I can’t shake it.

It jumped from image to image, but the over all feeling was complete, and at once unfinished.

I was with someone, an old and unpredictable friend, and we were to make a journey. We had to go through water, and though the water was clear and beautiful, it had sharks in it. Obviously, I was not too excited to get in. My friend said “its safe, you just have to hold on to the black fin of the big one, and it will carry you”. I was dubious of his suggestion, as I had been led astray by this person so many times before, yet something told me that it was OK.

Before getting into the water, another friend appeared for a moment, and gave me six gold earrings, with jewels in them, and I was to put them in my right ear for protection and guidance. I was hesitant because usually I cant wear earrings, as the metal typically hurts my ears. I took them anyway, and put them along my outer ear, and they felt fine. I felt safe and grateful.

Back in the water, I was holding on to a black fin, when something else started circling around me. It then tried to tear into me. I was too shocked to be scared, and I heard the voice of my friend saying that there is no way that thing is going to get you. You are protected. As I relaxed, the monster faded away, and the journey continued.

I could not see my friend anymore, where was he.? I knew he was there, somewhere, but I was not able to focus on him, because my path, which was not quite clear in that moment, is what I was supposed to direct my attention to.

I must trust, is what I kept hearing.

This journey was timeless, and when I was finally out of the water, I had not arrived at any particular destination, again, it was abstract. The place I made it to was a collection of images which, were quite lovely, I saw lots of sheer fabric, in many shades of silver and grey, kind of like water. There was a comfortable breeze, and the fabric looked inviting. A few people were present, but had none had a face, or voice. Their presence was comforting though, and I knew I was not alone.

Again, where was my friend… Would I see him again? Do I want to? Questions unanswered.

Awake now, I have to wonder, was the dream an omen? Or am I just tapping in to something deep with in my heart and soul. My emotions are really heightened right now, and this dream seems pertinent. Oddly enough, I don’t analyze my dreams too much, but sometimes, I believe they carry messages, especially when I remember one, and can’t get it off my mind.

There is no danger in my way, I get that, but I sense that the undercurrent of my emotions have been dictating my life for quite sometime, and now are surfacing to release. I have to feel them, and move beyond them. That is an obvious reality to me, yet things things like this can not be forced.

I feel tearful right now, and my eyes are feeling a bit blurry, but at the same time, I feel peaceful and open. Things are flowing and I am choosing not to resist the beautiful paradox.

I have invited healing on many levels, and I am willing to swim with sharks if I it will help me to do this, because, the water is safe and beautiful, and I know I am protected and taken care of.

I am not really sure where I want to begin today, but I feel the need to write.

Recently I have come to a new level of understanding with in myself, and some definite changes have to be made if I want to move forward in certain areas, and have certain things come into my life. Nothing life shattering per se, but upon reflection, I have come to see things that may have been holding me back. I have to be willing to (shall I say) let go of some things that I feel a bit attached to.

All of the obstacles I experience are of my doing, and I can’t blame anyone or anything for my circumstance, nor do I want to. I want to say this though. My life is so beautiful in countless ways, and I am so profoundly grateful, that it is hard to express with words. I have grown and changed so much, and as I have said in other posts, I am more ME, than I have ever been.

I can still fall short of my expectations of where I would like to be in this life, and that causes a lot of suffering and sadness. I wonder sometimes if this will ever change. That remains to be seen.

After christmas, I found myself in really big funk, one that I could not shake for the life of me, despite my many attempts to employ all of the tools that I have gathered through the years.

I simply had to go through my funk, like it or not. Sometimes the FUNK is right where its at. Here, I have a choice to take my lament as an opportunity to feel, reflect and hopefully grow, rather than HATE where I am, and try to run away, blame or change it.

There are beautiful lessons everywhere.

Happily I snapped out of it a few days ago, and not a moment too soon, cause while I can learn, I don’t glean satisfaction out of my misery, and I did at one time. I know a lot of people who still do, and my heart goes out to them, because it does not have to be that way.

I have gotten a little more focused in my meditations, meaning that I am setting intentions, and am attempting to focus, rather than just sitting there.

I want to say a few things on meditation. It like everything is a process, and for me, is evolving all of the time.

When I first started to meditate, I could hardly sit there without my mind going 90 to nothing, thought after thought went by, in the most unrelenting way. I found that through practice, and watching my thoughts, and asking for feedback from others who were further along in the journey of meditation, that it is quite difficult to sit. The thoughts are always there, and that the practice of learning how to stay, is just the beginning. Beginnings by the way, can last a very long time.

Over the years, I have tried a lot of meditation techniques. There are so many, and they are all designed to get you to a place where you can find stillness, tap into the intelligence and gain insight. There is no one way, or wrong way to meditate.

Sometimes I can actually listen to the silence, and when this happens, it delights me. Most of the time however, I watch my thoughts until the timer goes off.

I feel connected and more grounded when I do my practice, even when my mind is extra noisy. I do know, that something shifts when I practice regardless what my brain tells me.

Setting an intention, helps to bring about focus, and it can bring me to a deeper understanding of where my mind is.

In these strange times, I am committed to seeing love, beauty, joy, prosperity and abundance. I not only see this for myself, I see it for the world.

There are so many changes taking place in the world, and everyone is feeling it. When I hear fear come from people, I hope to send love.

The more willing I become to leg go of my own fears, I can honestly do this.

So the practice goes on, and I continue my interesting and strange journey.

love and hugs to you <3

Certain themes have permeated my work for many years, and I am learning to accept surrender to the process with ease and trust, moving through the layers, surface to deep.

The work is tactile in so many ways, informed by my process, my perceptions, and my ability to see.

As I open my eyes, mind and heart, I can see through many of the layers.

In the movement, through my art and through my yoga practice, is where I learn so much, though this is true in all aspects of my life really. I do have to pause a lot, so I can see where I am going, and what I am doing, and I have to be willing to let go of everything.

Questions keep coming up over and over again, and I realize how skeptical I can be. As I said, I am learning how to trust. I have given up on “what” to trust, because the spirit I feel has no name, and as for people, I can only love and trust them as much as love and trust myself.

How do I do this with grace? How do I connect with the deepest part of me, and live in this world? Whats more, how do I relate to another? How do I share this love that I feel?

One of the biggest places that I see potential for learning and growth, and perhaps answers (or at least peace about my questions), is within relationships, all of them. In fact, my favorite drawing professor in graduate school used to speak about the importance of the relationships between the objects we were drawing, and space around them. It is never about one thing, everything is important and interconnected, and in an incomprehensible way.

This applies to the individual and how she relates to others, and in particular, to a special person, or the potential of one.

To learn about the self, by getting out of self is a very interesting notion, and it is quite difficult. A lot people are afraid to do this because it is a bit scary to drop our self proclaimed constructs, and truly share from the heart, but it is necessary and worthwhile. I have seen glimpses of the joy I feel when I actually see, I mean really see another. Not what I want to see.

Thankfully, relationships are dynamic as with everything else. They are ever changing, and require openness and generosity in heart and mind, as well that nebulous word trust. There is never a dull moment, how could there be.

I am just a beginner here of course, I suppose that will always be the case.

The movement is here is dynamic and inspiring, but also pausing is tantamount to finding union.

I thought there was more and of course there is, but that is about all I can write on this today, and as I open, and allow things to unfold, I can share more words. For now though (and hopefully always), I will go to my studio to paint, then to the matt to move, then sit in meditation (not necessarily in that order) , so I can tap into that grace and flow, which I can carry into all my interactions.

I am extremely grateful for my life and I really love to share what I have.

This is a very exciting time right now for many reasons. One being the imminent election, which I hope will cause a great transformation. My hopes are high, but I am not attached to my thoughts of what I want. I will therefore not get political, because if you know me, you know I am not exactly political by nature. I tend to be a bit idealistic and oftentimes turn a blind eye to the happenings in our government. Sadly many others do the same thing. This apathy, and it is apathy, has not done our country any favors.

I do vote though, and realize what privilege that is. We are lucky in so many ways, and it is time to pay attention.

I will say, that I have been meditating and sending a lot of energy to all the candidates. I wish peace, everyone deserves that. My opinion is on the liberal and expansive side, and I believe that transformation is essential. This fear based mentality and avarice has to end. There is more than enough!

I have a lot to learn.

On a personal level I have so much to be happy for. I feel loved and connected, and so grateful for all the amazing people in my world. I can’t say that enough, I am truly blessed.

Lately I have been reconnecting with old friends via the internet. What an incredible world we live in, and with the brilliance of technology sweet connections can be made and rekindled. And to think, I resisted technology for so long.

It is interesting to me, the things that we resist. The unsettling nature of change can breed fear. I think that is why it sometimes seems so hard to embrace something new?
I have stayed in countless situations, miserable to the point of suffering, for far longer than I had to, simply because I was afraid of what the new possibilities were. I think that complacency also plays a part. It requires work and oftentimes discomfort to change. This is true personally and universally.

I say bring it on! What ever change is in store will produce growth and wisdom.

We need it, and the undercurrent is strong, something is going to overturn sooner than later. Lets just bring love into it.

I am in my head today, and I don’t much like it. I need to get out and do something fun.

My brain seems to be hardwired to think, analyze, and systematically “figure things out”, to the point of nauseum.

Conversely, I am highly creative, and this part of me laughs at the scheming, analytical part of my mind.

The two worlds have not been in sync lately, and it has caused some frustration within me, and since this is my stomping ground for working things out, and sharing my process, here I go.

Part of suffering, comes from this identification to who and what we think we are, and what we do everyday. For example, I am a girl, a woman, an artist, a yoga teacher friend, sister, a daughter etc… Going deeper > identifying with beliefs that make up our make up or character, which could be affirming or pejorative, “I am good or I am bad, I am ugly or I am beautiful, smart, stupid. But the things we identify ourselves by are just constructs, and are really not the essence of who we are. We think we are ’something’ and we spend our whole lives trying to live up to the image that we construct, yet we (most people at some point, anyway) seek meaning and purpose, beyond what is in our everyday world, so we search and search for something or someone to no avail. Therein lies the dilemma, and suffering takes place. Why, because we don’t have to seek, what we really want, is inside each and every human being. Most of the time we don’t recognize this, because we get caught up in our little web of story line.

Through my studies and practice, I really am starting to see, at least with in myself, all the ways that I cut myself off from the essence of my being, how I cut off the creative flow, and when the blinders come on, and how deep this matrix goes. Seriously, I have been practicing yoga for a while now, and part of that practice is intense self study, so I have seen patterns in my body, mind and behavior a lot, it is just that I don’t always know what to do with the information that I gather.

Then it dawned on me… I am to do nothing. I am to sit still, do absolutely nothing, and be with what is right there. Through the act of being, not doing, I will be guided to places I truly need to be. Next, I have to really tap into that inner love, that is pure and real.

I am sure that I have had this realization before, but today it feels like a light bulb went on, though only after I did a number on myself, through massive self pity and through berating myself for being caught up in the self pity.

It is quite laughable.

I will surely keep doing the things I do, I love them, most of them anyway. I just have to remember to be still too, and let the breath take care of my thinking thinking thinking. Yes, then I am open to receive, and am able to give.

Now, it is time for me to go out, and find some fun to have. : )