arline jernigan

Darkness is the unwillingness to see what is there.

I have been asked again, to open my eyes, and my heart really wide, because it is very important to SEE my world. In my intense and scrupulous self examination, and futile strive for perfection, I have become quite exhausted. Despite all the radiant light around me, I have been in a shell of dark, because for some reason, I did not think my work was “paying off”. What ever that means…

I need to relax a bit, and stop being so hard on myself, because my life is wonderful, and so many great things are presently on the way, as well as right here now.

Overcoming obstacles is part of the human experience, but I have seen how I have made things far more difficult for myself, through self deprecation, negation and what have you. My need to be perfect comes from this deep place of really wanting to be loved, and not believing that I am good enough for that, even still. This is no pity party, it is an honest assessment. Because of this NEED and WANT, I would constantly find myself seeking approval from others. Like a baby bird waiting to be fed, I would sit there waiting to be wanted, cared for and adored.

Seriously, I have had enough of that.

One of the precepts in yoga is called ahimsa, which means non harming. My former attitude was not in sync with that, at all. In fact, it was the opposite, and it blocked me from the goodness and made me feel separate from spirit, and from others.

I have written about this many times, and I have heard it on countless occasions, that you have to love yourself. When you do, you can feel the love around you, and you can give it back freely.

My question to this was always, HOW, pray tell, do I do that?, and for the longest time, that notion seemed impossible.

I don’t think it is impossible anymore, and what a relief. I see now, that all of my efforts, and all of my clearing of old beliefs and behaviors, has been worthwhile. I have grown a lot, and I feel worthy of self respect, and worthy of respect and love from others. And even though the process continues (and will as long as I live on earth), I do not need to be so hard on myself, because it is not helpful to me or anyone else.

It seems that a lot of people struggle with inner love, and inner respect. That, in my opinion, is why the world is in turmoil.

I think inner love comes through practice. I first have to be willing to love, to open my heart, and let it breathe, so it can expand and radiate. I then have to practice loving, even if my heart gets broken. Risk is a form of faith, and faith is essential. Work and reflection are necessary, but so is relaxation, which is a part that I have neglected. In this culture, it is easy to believe aversely to relaxation, and to think it is lazy. But just look at the countless ways we escape from reality,shut down and fall out from sheer exhaustion.

Relaxation is not inertia, nor is it lazy, it is consciously softening, and being willing to receive insights and gifts. Most everyone could benefit from some deep relaxation.

Maybe if I learn how to relax deeply, I can learn how to deeply surrender. (that is another day)

I do have a willingness, and today my heart feels light, so onward I fly.

I think thats all I need to say about that :)

I am not really sure where I want to begin today, but I feel the need to write.

Recently I have come to a new level of understanding with in myself, and some definite changes have to be made if I want to move forward in certain areas, and have certain things come into my life. Nothing life shattering per se, but upon reflection, I have come to see things that may have been holding me back. I have to be willing to (shall I say) let go of some things that I feel a bit attached to.

All of the obstacles I experience are of my doing, and I can’t blame anyone or anything for my circumstance, nor do I want to. I want to say this though. My life is so beautiful in countless ways, and I am so profoundly grateful, that it is hard to express with words. I have grown and changed so much, and as I have said in other posts, I am more ME, than I have ever been.

I can still fall short of my expectations of where I would like to be in this life, and that causes a lot of suffering and sadness. I wonder sometimes if this will ever change. That remains to be seen.

After christmas, I found myself in really big funk, one that I could not shake for the life of me, despite my many attempts to employ all of the tools that I have gathered through the years.

I simply had to go through my funk, like it or not. Sometimes the FUNK is right where its at. Here, I have a choice to take my lament as an opportunity to feel, reflect and hopefully grow, rather than HATE where I am, and try to run away, blame or change it.

There are beautiful lessons everywhere.

Happily I snapped out of it a few days ago, and not a moment too soon, cause while I can learn, I don’t glean satisfaction out of my misery, and I did at one time. I know a lot of people who still do, and my heart goes out to them, because it does not have to be that way.

I have gotten a little more focused in my meditations, meaning that I am setting intentions, and am attempting to focus, rather than just sitting there.

I want to say a few things on meditation. It like everything is a process, and for me, is evolving all of the time.

When I first started to meditate, I could hardly sit there without my mind going 90 to nothing, thought after thought went by, in the most unrelenting way. I found that through practice, and watching my thoughts, and asking for feedback from others who were further along in the journey of meditation, that it is quite difficult to sit. The thoughts are always there, and that the practice of learning how to stay, is just the beginning. Beginnings by the way, can last a very long time.

Over the years, I have tried a lot of meditation techniques. There are so many, and they are all designed to get you to a place where you can find stillness, tap into the intelligence and gain insight. There is no one way, or wrong way to meditate.

Sometimes I can actually listen to the silence, and when this happens, it delights me. Most of the time however, I watch my thoughts until the timer goes off.

I feel connected and more grounded when I do my practice, even when my mind is extra noisy. I do know, that something shifts when I practice regardless what my brain tells me.

Setting an intention, helps to bring about focus, and it can bring me to a deeper understanding of where my mind is.

In these strange times, I am committed to seeing love, beauty, joy, prosperity and abundance. I not only see this for myself, I see it for the world.

There are so many changes taking place in the world, and everyone is feeling it. When I hear fear come from people, I hope to send love.

The more willing I become to leg go of my own fears, I can honestly do this.

So the practice goes on, and I continue my interesting and strange journey.

love and hugs to you <3

I am ready for this year to unfold, and I can’t wait to see what comes of it.

Last year was about new beginnings for me, and while I still think I am in that phase to a degree, I feel more comfortable in some areas. Not comfortable to the point of indolence, but a comfort that is letting me feel safe to explore, and grow as I need to grow.

I keep picturing love and abundance for all of us in this coming year, and there after. I think that is very important. Things happen in this life through intention, so why not make the intention splendorous.

As I contemplate on things, I can see that my life is vastly different than it used to be, yet I am still me. Maybe that sounds strange, but I am actually uncovering ME each day, and with this peeling of the layers, I feel more at home inside myself.

I plan to have more fun this year, because life is not only about contemplation, it is about living and connecting with others, sharing ideas, and then bringing them home.

Happy New Year
love Arline

I am humbled by my thoughts, and and observations, because I see how fierce the undercurrent of my mind can be.

Lately, I have felt focused, connected and grounded. All seemed to be flowing well in my world, and I was really full of gratitude, when my car really gave me a slue of “fun” to deal with, making my state mind spiral south. This was not a sudden progression downward, in fact, I had a roll with it attitude at first, until I realized that I was definitely going to need a different car.

In dealing with the process of this, my thoughts became a bit pejorative in nature, being somewhat critical, mistrustful, and angry, and I will tell you why. I somehow allowed others to influence my sensibilities. In other words, I once again gave my power away. Almost all of it.

WOW, how easy it is to get off kilter. Feeling like a 12 year old again incapable of any major decision, or minor one for that matter, I wanted to cross my arms, pout, and say “fuck you” to everybody (and I did for a few minutes). It seems that the simplest things in life can feel so monumental. A car for gods sake, should not be a “BIG DEAL”, but it does represent a huge amount of autonomy, especially in a city that does not support even adequate public transport, or cycling as a means for getting around…

What I am getting to here, is that along with feeling powerless, I started to let others disapproval of my choices affect me, and second guess my own gut feelings and intuition.

My intuition is good, and if I actually listen, I am almost always led into a good direction.

So finally, I got quiet, went inside. I asked for clarity and guidance, and the energy shifted.

Oftentimes others have good information to impart, and I always welcome thoughtful advice, but the bottom line is, that ultimately, I have to feel good about what I choose to do, and my decisions must come from a place of integrity within my gut, my heart and my intelligence, no matter what others may think.

I got to see a part of myself this week that needs some attention, a part of my mind that buys into old thought patterns which I am absolutely ready to release.

I have willingness to learn, and not in just an esoteric sense, but also about practical earthly issues. I do pay attention these days, and I realize I have work to do.

Mostly, I have a wonderful life, and the glitches that seem to shake things up, are thankfully not catastrophic these days, but opportunities for growth.