arline jernigan

I am humbled by my thoughts, and and observations, because I see how fierce the undercurrent of my mind can be.

Lately, I have felt focused, connected and grounded. All seemed to be flowing well in my world, and I was really full of gratitude, when my car really gave me a slue of “fun” to deal with, making my state mind spiral south. This was not a sudden progression downward, in fact, I had a roll with it attitude at first, until I realized that I was definitely going to need a different car.

In dealing with the process of this, my thoughts became a bit pejorative in nature, being somewhat critical, mistrustful, and angry, and I will tell you why. I somehow allowed others to influence my sensibilities. In other words, I once again gave my power away. Almost all of it.

WOW, how easy it is to get off kilter. Feeling like a 12 year old again incapable of any major decision, or minor one for that matter, I wanted to cross my arms, pout, and say “fuck you” to everybody (and I did for a few minutes). It seems that the simplest things in life can feel so monumental. A car for gods sake, should not be a “BIG DEAL”, but it does represent a huge amount of autonomy, especially in a city that does not support even adequate public transport, or cycling as a means for getting around…

What I am getting to here, is that along with feeling powerless, I started to let others disapproval of my choices affect me, and second guess my own gut feelings and intuition.

My intuition is good, and if I actually listen, I am almost always led into a good direction.

So finally, I got quiet, went inside. I asked for clarity and guidance, and the energy shifted.

Oftentimes others have good information to impart, and I always welcome thoughtful advice, but the bottom line is, that ultimately, I have to feel good about what I choose to do, and my decisions must come from a place of integrity within my gut, my heart and my intelligence, no matter what others may think.

I got to see a part of myself this week that needs some attention, a part of my mind that buys into old thought patterns which I am absolutely ready to release.

I have willingness to learn, and not in just an esoteric sense, but also about practical earthly issues. I do pay attention these days, and I realize I have work to do.

Mostly, I have a wonderful life, and the glitches that seem to shake things up, are thankfully not catastrophic these days, but opportunities for growth.

Certain themes have permeated my work for many years, and I am learning to accept surrender to the process with ease and trust, moving through the layers, surface to deep.

The work is tactile in so many ways, informed by my process, my perceptions, and my ability to see.

As I open my eyes, mind and heart, I can see through many of the layers.

In the movement, through my art and through my yoga practice, is where I learn so much, though this is true in all aspects of my life really. I do have to pause a lot, so I can see where I am going, and what I am doing, and I have to be willing to let go of everything.

Questions keep coming up over and over again, and I realize how skeptical I can be. As I said, I am learning how to trust. I have given up on “what” to trust, because the spirit I feel has no name, and as for people, I can only love and trust them as much as love and trust myself.

How do I do this with grace? How do I connect with the deepest part of me, and live in this world? Whats more, how do I relate to another? How do I share this love that I feel?

One of the biggest places that I see potential for learning and growth, and perhaps answers (or at least peace about my questions), is within relationships, all of them. In fact, my favorite drawing professor in graduate school used to speak about the importance of the relationships between the objects we were drawing, and space around them. It is never about one thing, everything is important and interconnected, and in an incomprehensible way.

This applies to the individual and how she relates to others, and in particular, to a special person, or the potential of one.

To learn about the self, by getting out of self is a very interesting notion, and it is quite difficult. A lot people are afraid to do this because it is a bit scary to drop our self proclaimed constructs, and truly share from the heart, but it is necessary and worthwhile. I have seen glimpses of the joy I feel when I actually see, I mean really see another. Not what I want to see.

Thankfully, relationships are dynamic as with everything else. They are ever changing, and require openness and generosity in heart and mind, as well that nebulous word trust. There is never a dull moment, how could there be.

I am just a beginner here of course, I suppose that will always be the case.

The movement is here is dynamic and inspiring, but also pausing is tantamount to finding union.

I thought there was more and of course there is, but that is about all I can write on this today, and as I open, and allow things to unfold, I can share more words. For now though (and hopefully always), I will go to my studio to paint, then to the matt to move, then sit in meditation (not necessarily in that order) , so I can tap into that grace and flow, which I can carry into all my interactions.

I am extremely grateful for my life and I really love to share what I have.

This is a very exciting time right now for many reasons. One being the imminent election, which I hope will cause a great transformation. My hopes are high, but I am not attached to my thoughts of what I want. I will therefore not get political, because if you know me, you know I am not exactly political by nature. I tend to be a bit idealistic and oftentimes turn a blind eye to the happenings in our government. Sadly many others do the same thing. This apathy, and it is apathy, has not done our country any favors.

I do vote though, and realize what privilege that is. We are lucky in so many ways, and it is time to pay attention.

I will say, that I have been meditating and sending a lot of energy to all the candidates. I wish peace, everyone deserves that. My opinion is on the liberal and expansive side, and I believe that transformation is essential. This fear based mentality and avarice has to end. There is more than enough!

I have a lot to learn.

On a personal level I have so much to be happy for. I feel loved and connected, and so grateful for all the amazing people in my world. I can’t say that enough, I am truly blessed.

Lately I have been reconnecting with old friends via the internet. What an incredible world we live in, and with the brilliance of technology sweet connections can be made and rekindled. And to think, I resisted technology for so long.

It is interesting to me, the things that we resist. The unsettling nature of change can breed fear. I think that is why it sometimes seems so hard to embrace something new?
I have stayed in countless situations, miserable to the point of suffering, for far longer than I had to, simply because I was afraid of what the new possibilities were. I think that complacency also plays a part. It requires work and oftentimes discomfort to change. This is true personally and universally.

I say bring it on! What ever change is in store will produce growth and wisdom.

We need it, and the undercurrent is strong, something is going to overturn sooner than later. Lets just bring love into it.

In my classes, I have really been focusing on the chakra system. I have touched on what the chakras are in the teaching yoga section of this site, and I plan to really expand on it soon. >EEK< I just looked at it, and it is a mess. I will fix it ASAP!!!!!!

My overhaul has started, as I said in an earlier post, with many papers and files. I tend to write things in random places, and put them away, and write something related some other time, and put it else where. Hence the need to organize, get a sense of ground.

Anyway the chakra that I am personally focusing right now, because I have felt inbalance, is the muladhara chakra (root chakra) . This chakra, has to do with life force and feeling connected to it, feeling secure, and taken care of. It is powerful and swirling red energy. Much much more can be explained about this and the other chakras, but this post is just touching on the root.

There is a lot of unsettled energy in the world today. So many people are worried about the economy, and the state of our nation, (one can see why) which creates much fear on so many levels. It is a challenge not to get caught up in the swirl of it all.

I just try to bring it home when ever I get caught up in the energy that dovetails with my feelings of insecurity, because when I focus on what is "wrong" out there, I get distracted from what is going on in my own heart, and find it difficult to find solutions for ANYTHING.

SO...

Basically, I have been working on feeling grounded in my meditations. It is really quite simple. I visualize warmth and security, I return over and over to the breath, which happens to be wise in any situation, and I sit no less than 20 minutes (this amount of time works for me now, it is not a magic number, sometimes it seems, we can only spare 5 minutes). Just getting still, like I mentioned in my last post has been extremely helpful, and I have gotten a ton of insight. I really do feel connected and more peaceful lately. That certainly does not mean my mind doesn't go bonkers with worry in moments, but I am really starting to see how to rein it in more easily.

The mind loves distraction, and loves to play games and be entertained, but not always in a fun sense. So I try to view my thoughts (at least when meditating) as clouds passing in the sky, and allow them to float by rather than attaching or identifying with them. < that is a major practice>

Gratitude is at the forefront, and I express it as much as I can. I say thank you every and all day long, for my life and my breath, my body to express who I really am.

I am in my head today, and I don’t much like it. I need to get out and do something fun.

My brain seems to be hardwired to think, analyze, and systematically “figure things out”, to the point of nauseum.

Conversely, I am highly creative, and this part of me laughs at the scheming, analytical part of my mind.

The two worlds have not been in sync lately, and it has caused some frustration within me, and since this is my stomping ground for working things out, and sharing my process, here I go.

Part of suffering, comes from this identification to who and what we think we are, and what we do everyday. For example, I am a girl, a woman, an artist, a yoga teacher friend, sister, a daughter etc… Going deeper > identifying with beliefs that make up our make up or character, which could be affirming or pejorative, “I am good or I am bad, I am ugly or I am beautiful, smart, stupid. But the things we identify ourselves by are just constructs, and are really not the essence of who we are. We think we are ’something’ and we spend our whole lives trying to live up to the image that we construct, yet we (most people at some point, anyway) seek meaning and purpose, beyond what is in our everyday world, so we search and search for something or someone to no avail. Therein lies the dilemma, and suffering takes place. Why, because we don’t have to seek, what we really want, is inside each and every human being. Most of the time we don’t recognize this, because we get caught up in our little web of story line.

Through my studies and practice, I really am starting to see, at least with in myself, all the ways that I cut myself off from the essence of my being, how I cut off the creative flow, and when the blinders come on, and how deep this matrix goes. Seriously, I have been practicing yoga for a while now, and part of that practice is intense self study, so I have seen patterns in my body, mind and behavior a lot, it is just that I don’t always know what to do with the information that I gather.

Then it dawned on me… I am to do nothing. I am to sit still, do absolutely nothing, and be with what is right there. Through the act of being, not doing, I will be guided to places I truly need to be. Next, I have to really tap into that inner love, that is pure and real.

I am sure that I have had this realization before, but today it feels like a light bulb went on, though only after I did a number on myself, through massive self pity and through berating myself for being caught up in the self pity.

It is quite laughable.

I will surely keep doing the things I do, I love them, most of them anyway. I just have to remember to be still too, and let the breath take care of my thinking thinking thinking. Yes, then I am open to receive, and am able to give.

Now, it is time for me to go out, and find some fun to have. : )