arline jernigan

I am humbled by my thoughts, and and observations, because I see how fierce the undercurrent of my mind can be.

Lately, I have felt focused, connected and grounded. All seemed to be flowing well in my world, and I was really full of gratitude, when my car really gave me a slue of “fun” to deal with, making my state mind spiral south. This was not a sudden progression downward, in fact, I had a roll with it attitude at first, until I realized that I was definitely going to need a different car.

In dealing with the process of this, my thoughts became a bit pejorative in nature, being somewhat critical, mistrustful, and angry, and I will tell you why. I somehow allowed others to influence my sensibilities. In other words, I once again gave my power away. Almost all of it.

WOW, how easy it is to get off kilter. Feeling like a 12 year old again incapable of any major decision, or minor one for that matter, I wanted to cross my arms, pout, and say “fuck you” to everybody (and I did for a few minutes). It seems that the simplest things in life can feel so monumental. A car for gods sake, should not be a “BIG DEAL”, but it does represent a huge amount of autonomy, especially in a city that does not support even adequate public transport, or cycling as a means for getting around…

What I am getting to here, is that along with feeling powerless, I started to let others disapproval of my choices affect me, and second guess my own gut feelings and intuition.

My intuition is good, and if I actually listen, I am almost always led into a good direction.

So finally, I got quiet, went inside. I asked for clarity and guidance, and the energy shifted.

Oftentimes others have good information to impart, and I always welcome thoughtful advice, but the bottom line is, that ultimately, I have to feel good about what I choose to do, and my decisions must come from a place of integrity within my gut, my heart and my intelligence, no matter what others may think.

I got to see a part of myself this week that needs some attention, a part of my mind that buys into old thought patterns which I am absolutely ready to release.

I have willingness to learn, and not in just an esoteric sense, but also about practical earthly issues. I do pay attention these days, and I realize I have work to do.

Mostly, I have a wonderful life, and the glitches that seem to shake things up, are thankfully not catastrophic these days, but opportunities for growth.

I have not been posting much this week, because I am rather bored with myself.

I have been very up and down for what seems like an eternity.

I made a personal commitment to this journal, and while I don’t particularly like where I am in this moment, I am going to share my world. I have to be honest, I am extremely extremely frustrated.

Earlier I had a melt down, with giant tears. I don’t feel empty yet, so more tears may just fall, and I hope they do.

I apologize for seeming overly lugubrious. This mood, and the thoughts I have, along with the disappointments I am feeling right now, will pass, and I will grow. Lessons are being learned.

I am just sick of it today, and don’t feel like being all “spiritual” and what have you.

This is honest and real.

I am also cultivating trust and faith, even in my petulance, so it is off to go and get quiet for a bit.

My intention, is to have a fresh perspective, and renewed energy, so I can continue to extend myself, rather than being so completely insular.

I have not had my car now for one day shy of two weeks. Thats right,if you recall, on a wednesday, smoke came up from under my hood. It took a couple of days to even get here into the shop, and once there, still a few more days of waiting, and that was just to find out what was wrong. Finally almost a week later, the diagnosis came, and it turned out to be a blown head gasket. Can we just say “a PRETTY penny”.

It is not ready yet! And as of now, I won’t be able to get it until friday, URGH! As you could imagine, I am not at all pleased.

I have been on my bike (and loving it) for this time, with the exception of the days that Steve so generously let me use one of his work truck. Fortunately, the weather has been wonderful, a bit crisp, but perfect for riding. So yes, it is a good thing that I love my bike. I am grateful to have it, and to have some layers to bundle up in, and because of this, I plan to ride more, even though it is colder, although it will be through choice… I hope I do anyway. The temp seems to be declining and I loathe to be cold. It has probably been a good thing to be on my bike, in terms of acclimating to the chill, but I am a bit put out right now. I think it is because I keep hearing, “maybe tomorrow it will be ready”. I have been hearing this for a week now, and I am over it!!!!!!! ! I expect my car to purr like a kitten and run beautifully when I get do finally get her back.

It is not just about be having to be on my bike, that obviously has been fine, it is for my private yoga classes that I have had to reschedule due to not having a car. I don’t like to do this, but some of my students live pretty far away from me. Luckily I have very loving and understanding students, and they have been super flexible. I really am grateful, but that does not mean I am not annoyed beyond belief. There are probably a few control issues that I am dealing with here as well, but that is the extent of my reflection on that one. I just want my bloody car back.

Urgh, I gotta get outta here, so on my bike I go, bundled up in my layers, to the coffee shop, which doubles as an office space, to attempt some work and phone calls. More on this later, I am sure.

I am not pleased right now. I’m STILL having technical difficulties!!!!!!!

Yes my computer is letting me write this post (thank you much), but it has been acting up all damn morning! I have better things to do with my time than trying to get my frickin internet to work.

The problem lies in that I need it to work, because e-mail and internet, is how I communicate with people, and how I get a lot of work done. I know you understand.

After I got back from costa rica, I said how nice it was to be with out technology for a week. That was not me telling the universe that I don’t want these things in my life. I really appreciate them immensely. So, what ever it is that I need to do to clear my energy field, by god, I am willing.

I don’t like having my mood altered by things like this. I know that I don’t have to choose pisstivity, but I have done a lot of deep breathing, meditating, and praying, and what it seems to boil down to, is that I am feeling inept and stupid, because I don’t know what to do.

Yes this is bigger than the electronics, it goes way deep, and this is telling me to dive in.

A lot of times, I don’t know what to do in life, and sadly, many times I have chosen to shut down, and become inert. This is not possible anymore, because, I am wide awake, and I plan to stay that way.

I will listen, and I am willing to not know and understand everything. And I will stay open to the best of my abilities, so that i can learn.

In the present, however, I see my electronic world clearing up (for the sake of all ;))

My day has been completely thrown off, because I did not know about the time change, which is three weeks early. My cellphone changed, but my computer did not, which added to my confusion. I realized that there was a time change when I was an hour late to yoga (I don’t like being late). Thankfully I was not was not the teacher today, or there would not have been a class.

Time is a joke.

I usually have a very accurate sense of what time it is with out the use of a clock, and used to have all the clocks set at different times, just for some silly fun, and it would drive my friends nuts when they came to my house. (I am easily amused I guess)

Apparently, at least I have heard, that to have an extra hour of sunlight at the end of the day is good for consumerism, because people tend to spend more, nice huh. I don’t know if this is true, but if it is, what a great way to get people to spend more money. As cynical as I feel today, I see this early time change as a way to manipulate the masses (most likely this is an irrational thought).

The term daylight savings time seems silly to me, because we are not really “saving” any time. I love having the sun go down at 8 30 or 9 pm in the summer, and I don’t like the sun going down at 5 pm in the winter. Why not leave it alone, and go year round. My vote would be to leave it be after the spring forward, and not fall back.

Does it really save energy? It seems to be so in the case of the summer change. With more daylight, people are outside longer, people most likely will watch less TV, and won’t use as much artificial lighting. I am unconvinced that it does anything of real significance in the winter months energy wise, by having an extra hour of morning light. I myself don’t put every light in the house on then, nor do I watch the tele.

I do know, the time change tends to mess with a lot of peoples personal energy. Obviously mine is affected, and I am putting more than necessary into this, so I think I will stop, and go do something else.