arline jernigan

Certain themes have permeated my work for many years, and I am learning to accept surrender to the process with ease and trust, moving through the layers, surface to deep.

The work is tactile in so many ways, informed by my process, my perceptions, and my ability to see.

As I open my eyes, mind and heart, I can see through many of the layers.

In the movement, through my art and through my yoga practice, is where I learn so much, though this is true in all aspects of my life really. I do have to pause a lot, so I can see where I am going, and what I am doing, and I have to be willing to let go of everything.

Questions keep coming up over and over again, and I realize how skeptical I can be. As I said, I am learning how to trust. I have given up on “what” to trust, because the spirit I feel has no name, and as for people, I can only love and trust them as much as love and trust myself.

How do I do this with grace? How do I connect with the deepest part of me, and live in this world? Whats more, how do I relate to another? How do I share this love that I feel?

One of the biggest places that I see potential for learning and growth, and perhaps answers (or at least peace about my questions), is within relationships, all of them. In fact, my favorite drawing professor in graduate school used to speak about the importance of the relationships between the objects we were drawing, and space around them. It is never about one thing, everything is important and interconnected, and in an incomprehensible way.

This applies to the individual and how she relates to others, and in particular, to a special person, or the potential of one.

To learn about the self, by getting out of self is a very interesting notion, and it is quite difficult. A lot people are afraid to do this because it is a bit scary to drop our self proclaimed constructs, and truly share from the heart, but it is necessary and worthwhile. I have seen glimpses of the joy I feel when I actually see, I mean really see another. Not what I want to see.

Thankfully, relationships are dynamic as with everything else. They are ever changing, and require openness and generosity in heart and mind, as well that nebulous word trust. There is never a dull moment, how could there be.

I am just a beginner here of course, I suppose that will always be the case.

The movement is here is dynamic and inspiring, but also pausing is tantamount to finding union.

I thought there was more and of course there is, but that is about all I can write on this today, and as I open, and allow things to unfold, I can share more words. For now though (and hopefully always), I will go to my studio to paint, then to the matt to move, then sit in meditation (not necessarily in that order) , so I can tap into that grace and flow, which I can carry into all my interactions.

I am extremely grateful for my life and I really love to share what I have.

I am in my head today, and I don’t much like it. I need to get out and do something fun.

My brain seems to be hardwired to think, analyze, and systematically “figure things out”, to the point of nauseum.

Conversely, I am highly creative, and this part of me laughs at the scheming, analytical part of my mind.

The two worlds have not been in sync lately, and it has caused some frustration within me, and since this is my stomping ground for working things out, and sharing my process, here I go.

Part of suffering, comes from this identification to who and what we think we are, and what we do everyday. For example, I am a girl, a woman, an artist, a yoga teacher friend, sister, a daughter etc… Going deeper > identifying with beliefs that make up our make up or character, which could be affirming or pejorative, “I am good or I am bad, I am ugly or I am beautiful, smart, stupid. But the things we identify ourselves by are just constructs, and are really not the essence of who we are. We think we are ’something’ and we spend our whole lives trying to live up to the image that we construct, yet we (most people at some point, anyway) seek meaning and purpose, beyond what is in our everyday world, so we search and search for something or someone to no avail. Therein lies the dilemma, and suffering takes place. Why, because we don’t have to seek, what we really want, is inside each and every human being. Most of the time we don’t recognize this, because we get caught up in our little web of story line.

Through my studies and practice, I really am starting to see, at least with in myself, all the ways that I cut myself off from the essence of my being, how I cut off the creative flow, and when the blinders come on, and how deep this matrix goes. Seriously, I have been practicing yoga for a while now, and part of that practice is intense self study, so I have seen patterns in my body, mind and behavior a lot, it is just that I don’t always know what to do with the information that I gather.

Then it dawned on me… I am to do nothing. I am to sit still, do absolutely nothing, and be with what is right there. Through the act of being, not doing, I will be guided to places I truly need to be. Next, I have to really tap into that inner love, that is pure and real.

I am sure that I have had this realization before, but today it feels like a light bulb went on, though only after I did a number on myself, through massive self pity and through berating myself for being caught up in the self pity.

It is quite laughable.

I will surely keep doing the things I do, I love them, most of them anyway. I just have to remember to be still too, and let the breath take care of my thinking thinking thinking. Yes, then I am open to receive, and am able to give.

Now, it is time for me to go out, and find some fun to have. : )

My thoughts lately, have been on prayer and meditation.

Both of these acts are meant to be practiced, rather than mulled over, however I do think it is good to consider what each mean for me. It differs daily, and I must say, that it has not always been easy for me to pray from my heart. I have prayed in rote, and I have given foxhole prayers, when my ass was on fire, but really calling on the spirit and powers to be, and offering myself up, asking for guidance and letting go of expectation is a new and unchartered territory.

I have found, that I meditate much more easily, and feel more connected to myself and the spirit than when I pray.

When I meditate, I seem to let go of expectations or thoughts of what will come of it. Not only that, I have learned several meditation techniques, which help me to connect and become still. My asana practice is a moving meditation. I love to meditate, even if it is for five minutes.

I notice a difference in my thinking mind when I meditate regularly, yet when I pray, I still feel a little awkward, because I find that I do have wants and expectations, and along with that, I have a time table for when these expectations are to be met, which is usually RIGHT NOW! I talk to spirit all the time, but I seem place demands first, and then ask for guidance, and hold on to expectation.

My limited thinking can never really see the whole picture. My wishes and desires are absolutely essential, because with them I can take part in creating my world. I just have to let go of what I think things should look like, because as I reflect, things in my present life, are far superior to anything I would have seen for myself.

So this is where discipline and dedication come in. I am taking time each day for both. Asking and listening. With in the asking I am to include all the things that I am grateful for. To wish all the things I want for myself, to go to others as well.

I have been sitting in the morning, as it is the best and most quiet time for me to connect, and I do my best to ask for direction, minus the controlling demands I have. Where this will take me… only time will tell.

All I know, is that my thinking has already started to shift, and I am even more conscious of my intentions, and how I walk through this world. I like that.

I do hope that my prayers start to feel more natural, and that I do it without abandon, because I do believe in its power, and I have seen it in so many ways.

So here I go…

A big lesson I have been presented with, is learning how to really see, to open my eyes and my heart, to really see what is in front of me and look at the possibilities around that. This instead of seeing what I want to see, what I hope to see. By doing the latter, I loose everything, I get caught up in the fantasy of my wants and hopes, and I miss out on life.

This happens in so many ways, and I am seeing examples all around me, in my life and in the lives of those I care about.

Personal relationships, no matter what they are, work, family, friends, lovers, are are biggest place where this lesson resides. Somehow the vision gets skewed by our perceptions and filters. We want to either be right, approved of or loved and adored, and this stuff that we want, or think we need, goes way back into our consciousness, and it keeps us from getting what we or the other person may really need.

I have only just begun to open my eyes, yet I can appreciate when I really step back, and lay my perceptions down for even a second, I can see who the other person is, be sympathetic to where they are mentally and emotionally, and not take their actions personally, which is something I have done so much of, and something that has not brought an ounce of happiness.

Letting go is a part of this. It seems to all come back to surrender. Giving up my self centered notions of, well…. anything.

This is the only way for true connection, and by doing this I open my world to possibilities. I won’t come from a place of need, but one of curiosity, and I can actually give. I will be able to contribute to a relationship that is shared and free, rather than one in which I am blind to the other, and am stuck.

I want honest connections with the people in my world, on all levels. I am willing to be clear, and to do what it takes to be clear, so that this is possible.

Anyone who knows me, or reads my journal, knows how much I dig on self exploration. That covers a gamut of things. Finding the balance between self exploration and self centeredness can be tricky.

Motivation for me needs to be checked frequently. I want my actions and decisions to bring peace and happiness for me and those around me. I know each persons happiness depends on them, and I also know that when love is the motive behind things things cant help to expand in beautiful ways.

What I have been looking at lately, is prayer. How I pray, and what prayer means to me. I have always been a prayfull person, because as a small child, I was taught to pray: “Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take.” “God bless…….

It was rote, and there was no heart behind it. I had no real connection to this great great heart when I prayed, though I believed it was there. Not just because someone told me so, but because I was shown (and still am with great regularity) in many mysterious and concrete ways.

Talking to this enigma seemed strange because I had been putting anthropomorphic qualities on it, and by doing this, I expected concrete and immediate answers. Not only that, I wanted answers that suited me.

I prayed for what I wanted, rather than for what was needed. When I prayed for others, other than blessing them, I prayed for them to act as I thought they should be acting, instead of for their happiness and freedom. I Never even considered what was needed, what lesson was to be learned or for that matter, not acknowledging that there was even something that could be learned.

It is a real challenge to pray. It means to let go of self, in one of the deepest ways.

In truth, I have not reached the end of my self, but I want to.

Today, after examining my motives, I pray for my heart to be open and in a loving place, always, but in particular, while I pray.

It is pretty easy to bless those I love and care for. I send them blessings galore, yet it is those people that I am indifferent to or better yet, the people that I deem to be unconscionable, and want to vilify, that I find difficult to send blessings and prayer to.

So I pray for a pure and open heart, I pray for peace and happiness, I pray for the release of my judgments. I then pray for the other.

I am still working on feeling my connection to the great unknown, and letting go of my constructs of the mind around God and spirit, because I don’t know exactly what it looks like, no one does really.

Meditation has helped me with my prayers, they are not the same thing, yet both require time and space, and direct attention.

I need to do both.