darkness into light
Darkness is the unwillingness to see what is there.
I have been asked again, to open my eyes, and my heart really wide, because it is very important to SEE my world. In my intense and scrupulous self examination, and futile strive for perfection, I have become quite exhausted. Despite all the radiant light around me, I have been in a shell of dark, because for some reason, I did not think my work was “paying off”. What ever that means…
I need to relax a bit, and stop being so hard on myself, because my life is wonderful, and so many great things are presently on the way, as well as right here now.
Overcoming obstacles is part of the human experience, but I have seen how I have made things far more difficult for myself, through self deprecation, negation and what have you. My need to be perfect comes from this deep place of really wanting to be loved, and not believing that I am good enough for that, even still. This is no pity party, it is an honest assessment. Because of this NEED and WANT, I would constantly find myself seeking approval from others. Like a baby bird waiting to be fed, I would sit there waiting to be wanted, cared for and adored.
Seriously, I have had enough of that.
One of the precepts in yoga is called ahimsa, which means non harming. My former attitude was not in sync with that, at all. In fact, it was the opposite, and it blocked me from the goodness and made me feel separate from spirit, and from others.
I have written about this many times, and I have heard it on countless occasions, that you have to love yourself. When you do, you can feel the love around you, and you can give it back freely.
My question to this was always, HOW, pray tell, do I do that?, and for the longest time, that notion seemed impossible.
I don’t think it is impossible anymore, and what a relief. I see now, that all of my efforts, and all of my clearing of old beliefs and behaviors, has been worthwhile. I have grown a lot, and I feel worthy of self respect, and worthy of respect and love from others. And even though the process continues (and will as long as I live on earth), I do not need to be so hard on myself, because it is not helpful to me or anyone else.
It seems that a lot of people struggle with inner love, and inner respect. That, in my opinion, is why the world is in turmoil.
I think inner love comes through practice. I first have to be willing to love, to open my heart, and let it breathe, so it can expand and radiate. I then have to practice loving, even if my heart gets broken. Risk is a form of faith, and faith is essential. Work and reflection are necessary, but so is relaxation, which is a part that I have neglected. In this culture, it is easy to believe aversely to relaxation, and to think it is lazy. But just look at the countless ways we escape from reality,shut down and fall out from sheer exhaustion.
Relaxation is not inertia, nor is it lazy, it is consciously softening, and being willing to receive insights and gifts. Most everyone could benefit from some deep relaxation.
Maybe if I learn how to relax deeply, I can learn how to deeply surrender. (that is another day)
I do have a willingness, and today my heart feels light, so onward I fly.
February 9th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
“It seems that a lot of people struggle with inner love, and inner respect. That, in my opinion, is why the world is in turmoil.”
Yes. Exactly. Unfortunately, there is a certain subtle (sometimes not so subtle) self loathing that is programmed into people. It is difficult to overcome until it is acknowledged.
February 10th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Hi Aria!
That is definitely true. Change is impossible without honest examination and acceptance for what is there. To acknowledge and admit something is the first step on overcoming it.
It is much easier to “hate” others, and not see that it is really a projection, and sadly most people will never become willing to see that.
It really does take a lot of work to reprogram unfavorable thinking once acknowledged, because like you said, programing runs deep, generations deep.