I am in my head today, and I don’t much like it. I need to get out and do something fun.

My brain seems to be hardwired to think, analyze, and systematically “figure things out”, to the point of nauseum.

Conversely, I am highly creative, and this part of me laughs at the scheming, analytical part of my mind.

The two worlds have not been in sync lately, and it has caused some frustration within me, and since this is my stomping ground for working things out, and sharing my process, here I go.

Part of suffering, comes from this identification to who and what we think we are, and what we do everyday. For example, I am a girl, a woman, an artist, a yoga teacher friend, sister, a daughter etc… Going deeper > identifying with beliefs that make up our make up or character, which could be affirming or pejorative, “I am good or I am bad, I am ugly or I am beautiful, smart, stupid. But the things we identify ourselves by are just constructs, and are really not the essence of who we are. We think we are ’something’ and we spend our whole lives trying to live up to the image that we construct, yet we (most people at some point, anyway) seek meaning and purpose, beyond what is in our everyday world. Therein lies a dilemma, and suffering takes place. Why, because we don’t have to seek, what we really want, is inside each and every human being. Most of the time we don’t recognize this, because we get caught up in our little web of story line, or we just don’t give a damn.

Through my studies and practice, I really am starting to see, at least with in myself, all the ways that I cut myself off from the essence of my being, how I cut off the creative flow, and when the blinders come on, and how deep this matrix goes. Seriously, I have been practicing yoga for a while now, and part of that practice is intense self study, so I have seen patterns in my body, mind and behavior a lot, it is just that I don’t always know what to do with the information that I gather.

Then it dawned on me… I am to do nothing. I am to sit still, do absolutely nothing, and be with what is right there. Through the act of being, not doing, I will be guided to places I truly need to be. Next, I have to really tap into that inner love, that is pure and real.

I am sure that I have had this realization before, but today it feels like a light bulb went on, though only after I did a number on myself, through massive self pity and through berating myself for being caught up in the self pity.

It is quite laughable.

I will surely keep doing the things I do, I love them, most of them anyway. I just have to remember to be still too, and let the breath take care of my thinking thinking thinking. Yes, then I am open to receive, and am able to give.

Now, it is time for me to go out, and find some fun to have. : )

I tell ya, I just have not been into posting lately. I did have my computer quit on me, and was out of it for about a week or so. I just could not post using my Iphone more than once, that was enough.

Apparently my hard drive went out, and it seems, that there is no real shelf life to them. Sometimes you are unfortunate and get a faulty one. I think that must be what happened to my first ipod. It never worked correctly, and always died and came back to life shortly before finally exiting completely.

I have really been organizing lately. I love to do this, as well as clean thoroughly. It is instant gratification, and it really feels good when it is done. My house is always tidy, and I straighten everyday, but getting on my hands and knees and scrubbing somehow feels very cathartic. Obviously that does not happen everyday, nor does it need to.

My car is another story… There is no trash scattered around, as I have a trash bag inside, but basically it is the book mobile, and yoga studio on wheels. Along with books, matts, blocks and blankets, are notebooks/ sketchbooks, art supplies, and walking shoes, incase I want to go walking with my friend. I try to keep it neat, but it can be a challenge.

So, I have been going through these old note books, and reading articles and notes that I have saved (some are well over a year old), and now I am deciding what is important for me to keep. Things are scattered in semi organized piles in my painting studio, waiting to find their respective homes. I have the art files, the yoga files, fashion, and home decor.

I really want to find a way to make bookshelves for my car, because I have a ton of books in there, and they are staying, incase I get time to go to the coffee shop just to read or study.

It’s pretty mundane, isn’t it, but most of everyday life is. Thats OK though, there is pleasure and beauty in the mundane, don’t you think.

I am writing this from my new iPhone (thank you) Jason and teddy). The reason I am writing in my journal, on my iPhone, is that my laptop is at the apple hospital, being fixed. I have no clue as to what the problem is.

It is quite amazing that we have the ability to do what we can do electronically. Sometimes I take it for granted. That is, until something goes wrong, leaving me frustrated a d confused.

I am humbled, and am reminded that I am a beginner, and I don’t have to have all the answers.

Everything will be fixed soon (hopefully), and the 2 1/2 hours that I was at the apple store wasn’t completly for not, I got to reflect on how grateful I am for all I have. There is always room for gratitude.

I hope the hungover person behind the geniois bar, who tried to help me, gets the rest she needs.

And with that, I will sign off.

I hate that I will miss Sunday soul again. It is the best ever!

The other day, I was having a conversation with someone about rules. The topic came up, because I had a situation at the airport, where the day I was to leave, was incorrect , and I missed my plane. It was a mistake that I did not catch when I made my reservations, so I had to call a number, to be greeted by an irritated and unfriendly person. When I explained my situation, she said, “now how did YOU mess up the reservations again?” Of course my horns started to emerge, I wanted to tear into her, but luckily my friend Jason was there to offer support, and I was able to stay grounded (for the most part).

There are so many rules at the airport, and they keep adding more. You can’t you can’t you can’t, is the message it seems, and some people are sticklers, who do not want to help, even when they can.

I got home, and I had to pay to do so, about as much as the trip cost in the first place, but I suppose it could have been worse.

I am on the opposite side when it comes to rules set by others. I have a very difficult time with these rules, even if they make sense. I seem to rebel, even when I don’t really need to. I do fine with guidelines, because guidelines provide space.

I am learning how to embrace certain rules though, because yesterday, I found myself downtown at 201 Poplar, in traffic court. I had let my tags expire> AGAIN <. This is something that I have done over and over and over. Not only do I let my tags expire, I try and scheme my way out of the trouble I have gotten myself in. FOR WHAT!?!

This is a pattern. It boils down to me not wanting to take responsibility for my actions. It must change.

While I was standing there with the hundred other people in line (I got there early and still had to wait 45 minutes), I had to laugh at myself. I thought “here I am again” , now it is time to move forward, you don’t need to visit this place anymore.

Everything worked out perfectly when I made the decision to take care of business. I got my car to inspection and it passed, I got my tags renewed, and I reorganized my schedule, so that I would not miss any classes. There was really no pain involved, and I got to see something that made me grateful for my practice of yoga and meditation. Those practices give me strength and wisdom to not react to my world, as well as deal what life offers. And not only that, now I can drive with out dodging the police ;)

I am still working on the rules that I place on myself, however. These are the toughest, and here I can be a very strict master. I am learning though, how to be more flexible with myself, and I notice that when I do that, the world I live in is more flexible. It is pretty cool like that.

Have a fun day : ), I am going to.

For what ever reason, my journal has been neglected. I guess I am at a crossroads with it. I feel like it is something I want to foster, yet I have had a lot of writers block around it.

I have so many other things to develop in this website, and I have been quite slack in those things that need to grow. (Oh how this translates into life)

If all goes well I will have a photo shoot for the poses section, this saturday. That will be great fun.

I have tons of yoga writing to do as well, and have several things in the works.

People have asked me if my paintings are for sale, and the answer is YES. I just need to post prices, and give people who are interested, a way to do this.

I also plan to have a news letter at some point in the very near future, as well as a calendar of events. I have been told that my website is not professional enough, but that it is great. I just need to add a list of my credentials and explain all that I have to offer.

I do agree, and a lot of these things are a long time coming, I am getting to work right now.

I have been running around a lot this past couple of weeks. I am house sitting, dog walking and doing what ever else I do.

Oddly though, I feel very focused and connected, even in this blur of movement.

That feels nice.

I had several paragraphs written before I pushed delete. I seem to not know what to write these days.

I spend a lot of time trying to “figure” things out. I never can, not in the grand scheme of things anyway.

I want to know how my mind works, how other’s minds work, the whys and what fors.

I dig dig dig, and for what???

It occurred to me, that just maybe, some things are beyond my understanding for a reason, and that I am not supposed to understand.

When I am supposed to understand, I will, and there will be no need for me to try so hard.

In so much of what I do, teaching yoga or painting, I attempt to join opposites, to allow them to work together in union. I have to work with my analytical mind and also with my emotions. I have to see and feel, watch and listen. I have to work with diligence, and I have to learn how to let go.

There is no absolute reality, only perception, and yet something bigger exists. I definitely believe this, and I feel a bit of relief, that I don’t have to figure it out today.

I have been talking about opening my heart for quite some time now. I think that is a process that becomes more interesting the more I do it, because I at once feel more loving and vulnerable, and am also left with many questions>

What do I do with this expanding heart? How open can it become, what is its potential?

I keep hearing the message of service, and how important it is. What I have also been feeling is the need to tithe, to give back to the universal sprit, but the question I have is how, where and when?

I think that it is important when giving, whether it be small or large, is that there must be an honest and pure intention, meaning that the act has to be selfless, and with no expectation. Give for giving sake.

An issue that presents itself, glaringly and frequently is one of the lack mentality, which makes it almost impossible to give. To think that I have to manufacture something something to give, or am obligated in some way builds resentment in my mind, and closes my heart, and really, the heart is where true giving comes from.

My ideas and preconceptions of what giving means, are changing a rapid pace, which I am glad of, because I used to believe that giving came in the form of material goods. I am coming to believe, the content is not what the gift is about. The old saying, “its the thought that counts” is almost spot on, but to take it deeper, It is the heart behind the thought that counts.

As usual, I am tossing thoughts around, in hopes that I find clarity.

As far as service is concerned, I have to connect with the loving intelligence that will lead me to the place where my energy will be best received and useful. I can’t force this, and at the same time, I can’t sit idly by.

I am ready to take action, and share this expanding energy.

At the studio this weekend, we had a workshop, and a lot of amazing energy was shared. I learned a lot in terms of how I go about things in my world, my teaching, my art, what I give and my intentions. I was completely humbled.

The teachers, Simon and Reema, that came to present the workshop, were very different from each other, but each of them gave so much. Simon is extremely open and out there with his energy, he gives off a vibe that makes people feel loved and cared for, all the while teaching demanding practices. Reema has this gentle, quiet and childlike energy that seems to put people at ease. The energy that both contributed, was a huge gift, and everyone, including myself, was affected.

I hope to be so inspired, to put my ego to rest, and be an open channel so that I can give to this degree.

As far as tithing is concerned I plan to do this with love, and not a sense of obligation. I have actually started to see where I can help, and this makes me very happy.

I had a halting moment the other day, and I love when this happens, because it usually means change and growth.

Nothing was wrong really, but in my mind it seemed like everything was “against” me. Poor Arline!

I was voicing my lament to someone (my teacher actually), when I realized that what I was saying was nothing more than a repeat of some “issues” I had droned on about over and over many times, to no avail.

It finally dawned on me, that by my focusing on what seemed wrong, was and is not useful to me or others, and it was getting me no where fast. Novel huh! But it seems like I am somewhat “addicted” to the fear, and what ever that brings up for me, because I continue to bring that energy into my space.

I know how ludicrous that must sound, but really a habit is a form of addiction, and we all have habitual thoughts and patterns in our mind and body.

Hopefully through massive and intensive work and letting go, the patterns can become unraveled and new life can begin. I speak for myself only, but when I am caught up in habitual thought patterns, I am not living, I am reacting and projecting, scheming and hating where I am at once.

I am flooded with gratitude for the people in my life who let me be just who I am, where I am in my head trip, and have the courage to tell me the truth about what they see, so that I can see myself clearly.

I can take the truth. I welcome it.

It seems that web of humanity, or ego, is very tenacious, and I have to respect that fact, but I don’t have to give into it. I just have let go until I actually surrender to something more loving.

Enough said.

I have not been making many posts here lately, because I have been in this very transitory stage.

So many things are happening in my mind and in my world as well as the world at large, that I have not known where to begin.

Last week I went to Montreal to teach a yoga workshop, and have a vernissage (art showing). It was wonderful! I went there to teach and to share, yet I learned so much and got many gifts. Gifts for the soul. I made so many beautiful connections. I feel lucky to have been invited, and will go back for more, as long as I am welcome.

In my everyday life, I feel like I have had to step back in some regard, to really see what is going on internally. This has been essential, and still is to a degree, but I am seeing the importance of really putting my energy out into the world in a bigger way.

I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed, and eager, though both feel extreme, and I am left confused and don’t know what to do with this energy. I really have a lot of energy!

Right now, it is about seeing and doing what is most important, and letting the superfluous things fall away. I mean this on all levels.

I am not quite sure how to express that statement. A lot of things seem important, but few things really are. I have some figuring to do for sure.

This is all so vague, isn’t it.

We are living in interesting times to say the least. I am seeing a lot of fear. Fear for security, our economy, fuel, that there is not enough. I see people reacting all around.

I am trying to stay neutral, look at my thoughts and beliefs, while figuring out what I can do myself, to make this world a better place.

On a spiritual level, I am and have been cultivating trust. Yes I have said that many times before, but the soil must always be cared for. That is meant both literally and figuratively.

How do I put love into action. How do I let the fear fall away? When will I trust fully?

It is about getting to the source, or GOD consciousness, what ever that looks like. Each person has a different image. No one is right and no one is wrong as long as that image is of love. I do have faith, and I will stoke the fire, and fuel my own resources to do what I am led to do, what ever that is, I don’t always know right off.

I do know this though, I have to start loving more. That is extremely important.

Also seeing that the well is full. It is full of resources, unlimited resources, and there is MORE than enough for everyone. I just have to tap in, get creative, and see a new approach to things.

More on this later, I assure you, as this conversation could get deep. I wish it would. I love others perspectives on things.

I never know where inspiration is going to come from, and I am learning how to open my eyes to all of the possibilities that come to me, in stead of judging them. Lately, aside from nature, I am looking at a lot of expensive fashion and home magazines, mostly from europe. The european aesthetic is something that I really respond to. It tends to be worldly, and eclectic. I love the way the high end designers view the process of clothes making as an art, because it is. I especially love the designers who really know how to use color and texture and layering, in innovative and interesting ways. Anyone who knows me, knows I love layers.

Last night, I went to a dance concert, and I was once again reminded how enlivening it is for to me to watch dance. It really feeds an important part of my aesthetic, as my paintings have so much movement in them, and it also feeds the creative part of my art as a yoga teacher, because I teach from a flowing and circular approach.

I have been in several dance concerts, and while I am not a dancer per se (in that I have not been trained in it), a part of me truly is. What I really enjoy about working with dancers, is the collaborative energy where so many great ideas are shared, and even if a dancer tends to do more solo work, the strong community is vital, where as a visual artist such as myself, tends to be more insular.

Today I realized that travel is a HUGE source of inspiration. I am going to Montreal to teach a yoga workshop and have an art opening (vernissage)at once. Just thinking about it, my wheels are turning, but in a good way. It does not really matter where I go, or why even, because usually I return to my home based with a different perspective, and open eyes. I plan to do much much more travel.

I do need to focus though, because when ideas start spinning so fast, I can become overwhelmed. I want to flow with this energy, and put it to use. I believe that it is important for me to be organized so that the process can flood without drowning me.

Ahhhhhhhh, the list of inspiration can go on and on and on. I am always interested in what is inspiring to others, so feel free to share, don’t be bashful.

I think for now I will do as I said, and focus, and that means putting a pen to paper, and physically writing. For some reason this is helpful to me, as it slows me down just a bit, which is not always a bad thing that I can make it to be.

Here I go….

Today is much brighter, and not only because the sun is shining.

Sometimes I think that it is a good idea to let yourself fall apart.

I remember when my niece Baighly was around 2 years old, and we were at the botanical gardens. It was kind of chilly outside, and inside there was a craft table set up. Jessica, my other niece and I were so excited about this, so we promptly sat down, and began to color and make things.

Natalie, my lovely sister took Bay to the little girls room. They were in there quite a while, but Jessie and I were having a great time on our creations, when all the sudden, we heard a louder than loud scream. Jess and I looked at one another, each with an oh dear expression, when out of the bathroom comes Natalie with a very stiff and hysterical Baighly.

Er.. It was time to leave the fun, and go back to the home front. We had to pass many people to get to the door, and had a ways to go, to get to the car. Baighly carried on unabashedly, stiff and unrelenting.

Once we got outside. Natalie put her down, and she proceeded to fall out, and continue her tantrum. It was quite a scene. But I found myself thinking, and then said it out loud, “I wish I could do that sometimes” , “Just fall out, let it loose, and kick and scream, with out caring what others would think.”

I felt like doing that yesterday, and while I did not technically throw a tantrum (in front of anyone), I allowed myself to really feel the guttural things inside, cry and cary on, and because I did that, I am much more peaceful today. I am focused, and have room for life.

Someone turned me on to a new park today. It is the cancer survivors park. It has sculptures, inspirational signs for you to stop and read, a labyrinth, and a ton of wild flowers all around. I think I will plant some wild flowers in my yard next year.

I did not have time to walk the labyrinth today, but I will.

Being there, even for the short time that I had, walking around and reading the inspirational signs, made me remember that everything is sacred. All things, all sentient beings, all feelings, thoughts and emotions are part of this life, whether I like them or not. Everything has its place.

I am very lucky to be alive, I really am, and I am grateful, that I have a body and mind to express myself.

I have not been posting much this week, because I am rather bored with myself.

I have been very up and down for what seems like an eternity.

I made a personal commitment to this journal, and while I don’t particularly like where I am in this moment, I am going to share my world. I have to be honest, I am extremely extremely frustrated.

Earlier I had a melt down, with giant tears. I don’t feel empty yet, so more tears may just fall, and I hope they do.

I apologize for seeming overly lugubrious. This mood, and the thoughts I have, along with the disappointments I am feeling right now, will pass, and I will grow. Lessons are being learned.

I am just sick of it today, and don’t feel like being all “spiritual” and what have you.

This is honest and real.

I am also cultivating trust and faith, even in my petulance, so it is off to go and get quiet for a bit.

My intention, is to have a fresh perspective, and renewed energy, so I can continue to extend myself, rather than being so completely insular.

Something that I have noticed lately is how I can really jump to conclusions about things. I will assume something, make decisions based on my assumptions, and react.

This happens, because I fail to ask questions.

Somewhere down the line, I learned that it was not OK to ask, whether it be to clarify something, to ask for what I needed, to further understand something, or what have you.

I always felt inadequate in some way, because there were things that I did not understand, yet I felt I could not ask for clarification. I was supposed to know, what ever IT was.

I have always been a little on the shy and quiet side, which has not helped the patten that I created.

Communication in any form is a skill, does not have to be difficult, though I can make it so at times. This is especially true in intimate situations. Somehow, I loose all my ability to articulate what I need to express, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

This is vastly improving though, and I see when I am shutting down. The awareness does not always mean I am going to speak up right away though, but I will much more quickly than in the past.

I am also starting to understand that for me to grow, I MUST speak my truth, from my heart, and not just my head. I must be clear in my thoughts, and I must ask if I don’t understand something. (another one of those aha moments, that I already “knew” ;) )

See, I thought somehow, that if I said what I thought, or felt, that I would be rejected. That’s the bottom line. Hence the pattern of silence.

It is quite evident, that while I am very intuitive, I am not a mind reader, nor do I want to be. I have other things to focus on.

I’m learning how to reach out and extend, both in listening and speaking, and while it is awkward at times, I am feeling much more peace in my ability to relate.

When I am painting and drawing, I am always checking out different perspectives.

I move around my studio, I turn my work upside down, side ways, and see it as many ways as possible, and if a painting is just not working, I will sometimes rip it to shreds and start over, or I will paint over a place that I am attached to. (I did this today in fact)

When I practice or teach yoga asana, I am also moving a lot, changing directions, going into and out of mudras (shapes) in many and unexpected ways. This works on many levels, from the surface to the deep layers that are intangible.

I am really working to bring these creative and open practices into my everyday and practical life. HA.

The old habits certainly want to stay etched into my consciousness, and influence my behavior, and reality. I don’t feel overwhelmed by them today though, just aware, and willing to see things differently.

Seeing what I want to see, whether it feeds my soul or not, does not really serve me much of the time, so here is to new and different perspectives, and practicing what I teach.

It is raining so beautifully. The perfect pitter patter of sound is on my roof. The air is so clean, and the energy feels so clear.

I am grateful for a shift in attitude. I have been in angst, fearful, and mistrusting here lately. It got so heavy in my mind for a minute, and as I have said before, the heaviness just sneaks up on me, and before I know it, all I want to do is hide under the covers.

Wshoo

I know I am protected, and supported. This is shown to me daily, and thankfully, I really feel it. This knowing makes me light once more, and I am ready to fly again with beautiful blue wings.

The only thing I can say about this, is that I have been really getting into my morning meditation and prayers, along with my asana (yoga mudra). I am slowly beginning to trust this intangible part of my practice. My energy is feeing more refined, and my thoughts (at least for today) are more pluralistic, which allows for limitless possibilities. Things are growing exponentially in every direction, that is for sure.

I could expand on this, and I will later, but right now, I think I am going to go and enjoy the rain.

LOVE TO YOU

It always seems funny to me, when I realize something, that I have “known” for a long time.

What I mean, is when something actually makes sense in a deep and visceral way, surpassing the intellect. I have been experiencing that a lot lately.

It came to me that resistance is a great part of my suffering. I have heard this many times, and I have read a lot about resistance and suffering.

In life, I have resisted so much, and have been a recalcitrant in many ways, stubbornly unopen to change or new ideas, even if it was for my higher good, and especially if it was not MY idea.

Resistance to what life has to offer is pretty universal, and we limit ourselves in countless ways. It is odd to think, however, that I can even be resistant to my own ideas, hopes or dreams, but it definitely seems to be the case at times. It is beyond consciousness, and lies with in the deep layers of conditioning.

Procrastination, avoidance and withdraw, are among the ways resistance shows up. I picked these ways to touch on, because I am aware that I use all of them rather frequently, as if second nature. I see this in others too. The list goes on and on and on.

Avoidance is one of my most undesirable manifestations of resistance I think. I see how it creates stress in my world, or keeps me from experiencing something potentially wonderful or life changing, but along with that, I don’t get to see new perspectives.

Deep fear is the culprit for sure, and as it takes on many forms, it is not always so easy to detect in the form of resistance.

I have talked about being victim to my circumstances before in other posts. To keep from being a victim, as I’ve said, I have to take responsibility and ownership to what is going on in my mind (that seems to be an ongoing theme, doesn’t it). I have to be honest, and really look at what is there, move into it with a mature mindset honestly and whole harted. I have found that is the only way for me to move forward. That, and facing my fears, all of them with the same approach.

Fear is cunning, and as I mentioned has a million forms. I have recently started to examine just how many times I make myself a victim of it, or at least my circumstances.. It is really quite astounding. I more than want to stop doing this, and so I am looking deeply, going into what ever the fear brings up, face on, then changing my behavior, or habitual response.

This would appear to be the obvious and simple thing to do, but it definitely is not easy, especially when you think you know too much, ;) and when an instinctual and deeply habitual response wants to over ride attempts to explore new ways. It means, that I have to start over in a sense, and daily at that.

I truly believe it is worth the difficulty though, and every barrier that I break through, makes me stronger, and better able to handle what ever comes my way. It also makes me softer and more receptive, so that I can also be of service to others, in a genuine way.

A dear friend told me just last night, “Arline, you are your own worst enemy, get out of your way, and open to the beauty that your life is.”

I was lamenting about a few things, and pretty much was not seeing the light that my life has and is.

Today I am willing to see things differently though, and I am willing to let go of the resistance, or at least, soften to it, so that I can in fact open to the joy, fully and completely, and be of service to others.

I so enjoy spring, and it is a very beautiful one, as we have had so much rain. I could have this weather all year, and it would not bother me one bit. If I were to need different seasons, I could travel to them.

What I love most about the warm weather, is that I can paint outside. That is my favorite thing to do in the morning.

I have been getting ready for two shows. One in Mississippi, and the other in Montreal.

The Montreal gig is a dual adventure. I am going to be teaching a yoga workshop, and having an art opening. WOW! I am getting so excited.

This week I am finishing up some work, and framing for each of the shows.

Both shows are in May. Mississippi is mid may, and Montreal late may, but I have to have everything ready to go out by the end of next week. I will, I am not worried about that, I just hope my work is well received. That is of course out of my hands.

My job is to do the work, and share what I have, and I have a lot, so that is just what I am doing.

I am expanding and sharing my work outside the comfort zone of Memphis, and not a moment too soon.

I have a lot to do.

Breathe

Focus

Do it!

I feel like I have been approaching things with a certain amount of intensity, that creates unease. It is not something that I set out to do, it just seems to happen when I am uncertain about things.

I finally relaxed for a second, and found some peace in my spinning mind. Meditation has been at once helpful in my ability to calm the mind, while showing me patterns, that no longer work for me.

I am learning about faith and trust, as I have said in other posts. Now I am throwing patients in the mix, because the things I don’t want in my mind and life anymore, can hold on hard, or rather, I, in a deep way, hold on to them. This seems silly, but the comfort of familiarity (even if it is ugly) wants to over ride the discomfort of change, and the effort that change takes.

I tend to want things I am working on, to be instant. Some change or growth comes fast, and sometimes it seems to crawl. If I am honest, I want to sometimes change, and not put any effort into doing things or thinking differently.

I remembered that the things in my life, are happening, because I have brought them to me. Yes, it is about taking responsibility in a very creative way.

If I am stuck in an old pattern of thinking for example, it is because a part of me is not wanting to leave the “comfort” zone. In that old zone, I can feel like a victim, and blame blame blame.

No thank you. I would rather take a deep look, and see what is really going on in my mind.

Usually there is an answer or a solution to every unwanted circumstance, and once I sit still and breathe my thoughts aside, I can find insight to the nature of things, and find space for new thinking and new experiences.

Even though my mind wanders, and loves distraction, I intend to keep bringing it back into focus.

The focus is clarity, healing, freedom, creativity, love, connection, expression, joy and peace, no matter what is going on, and no matter how uncertain things seem to be.

THINK THINK THINK

That is what I do, way too much sometimes. I can be so in my head about things, that I can forget to be spontaneous and in the moment, and miss out. Being practical, and pragmatic is great,It is just good common sense, but my tendency to control a situation through this, can often present itself as a limitation, keeping me only in my head, and cutting me off from my sensitivity.

This weekend was and still is, one of those times where thinking is not an option, because my thoughts are scribbles, and are loaded with feeling.

I have a flood of emotion moving through me. I have cried a lot today, which, has felt very healing. I have more to cry still.

Looking at things in my mind from a pragmatic perspective is one thing, but I have really shifted, and have felt deeply the regret of past selfishness and self centeredness, and remorse of “wasted” energy and time.

I am breaking old and deep patterns of behavior and thinking, and I won’t lie, it really is uncomfortable in moments. Within these deeper layers, the subtlety sometimes feels more difficult to process. I have felt a sense of mourning to a degree.

As I realize what I have, and where I have come from, I am blown away. Though I can still fall into the trap of a lack mentality, thinking that there is not enough… Not enough time, love or money, especially for me. NO, this is not useful thinking, and it is being transmuted into something much better.

This weekend, in a workshop I was at, I was surrounded by so much love, that I did not know what to do. Part of me wanted to run and hide, and at times I was very standoffish.

Yes, that sounds strange, because who does not want to be submerged in love?. But, I got really scared, and overwhelmed, because for so long, I was very closed off, and for such a long time, that I could scantly feel the love that was always there.

Please bare with me, because this is a very abstract thing to consider, and not at all practical.

It is like this neighborhood kitty I see everyday. She is very sweet, and really really really longs to be touched, and loved on, yet she is extremely timid, and can only take so much affection. I have actually been able to pick her up a couple of times, though when I put her down, or rather, when she squirms and jumps uncomfortably out of my arms, she’ll walk around in circles, purr and rub what is near her, wanting more. I feel somewhat like the kitty.

I asked my dear friend, “how did you get such a open and loving heart?” She replied ” your heart us just as open and loving, you give so much!, and you are truly loved”

Of course the tears rolled again, because I am opening, and I am raw. I am looking at love and generosity in a new way. I am seeing it, feeling it, and learning to trust that there is in fact enough, that that I can give freely, and that what I do give is of value.

Love brings up anything for the purpose of healing and release. This is something that I learned a while back and find it to be true.

I am opening the deep layers, healing and releasing. I am also learning how to receive.

I hope I can truly give back what I have been given.

My practice is feeling richer lately, meaning that I am seeing and feeling more.

I am seeing things that I must let go of, in my mind. In fact they glare at me, and I know I can’t make this happen, though my intentions are of freedom and release.

I have had two dreams that have not felt too great. Last night I dreamt that I was completely hated and rejected. It was exemplified at an art opening I was having, and a yoga workshop that I was to teach. I was booed, and rejected for both things, then sent away crying.

The other one I scantly remember, though it had to do with my mom. I was abandoned by her, and left on my own, very young and terrified. I woke with this feeling of massive aloneness and fear, which was hard to shake.

WOW, the mind is powerful, and it can be easy to fall into old and habitual ways of thinking, even in dreams. It seems for me, that when I begin to change something about my perspective or behavior, the limiting mind comes at me with a vengeance.

The good news is, that I am starting to see past the cloud of limitation, and am feeling the light. Its warm, and exciting to say the least.

Yes, it is a process, everything is.

There is something to say for spring and new beginnings, tears and sunshine. I just love it.

Gratitude is immense!