arline jernigan

THINK THINK THINK

That is what I do, way too much sometimes. I can be so in my head about things, that I can forget to be spontaneous and in the moment, and miss out. Being practical, and pragmatic is great,It is just good common sense, but my tendency to control a situation through this, can often present itself as a limitation, keeping me only in my head, and cutting me off from my sensitivity.

This weekend was and still is, one of those times where thinking is not an option, because my thoughts are scribbles, and are loaded with feeling.

I have a flood of emotion moving through me. I have cried a lot today, which, has felt very healing. I have more to cry still.

Looking at things in my mind from a pragmatic perspective is one thing, but I have really shifted, and have felt deeply the regret of past selfishness and self centeredness, and remorse of “wasted” energy and time.

I am breaking old and deep patterns of behavior and thinking, and I won’t lie, it really is uncomfortable in moments. Within these deeper layers, the subtlety sometimes feels more difficult to process. I have felt a sense of mourning to a degree.

As I realize what I have, and where I have come from, I am blown away. Though I can still fall into the trap of a lack mentality, thinking that there is not enough… Not enough time, love or money, especially for me. NO, this is not useful thinking, and it is being transmuted into something much better.

This weekend, in a workshop I was at, I was surrounded by so much love, that I did not know what to do. Part of me wanted to run and hide, and at times I was very standoffish.

Yes, that sounds strange, because who does not want to be submerged in love?. But, I got really scared, and overwhelmed, because for so long, I was very closed off, and for such a long time, that I could scantly feel the love that was always there.

Please bare with me, because this is a very abstract thing to consider, and not at all practical.

It is like this neighborhood kitty I see everyday. She is very sweet, and really really really longs to be touched, and loved on, yet she is extremely timid, and can only take so much affection. I have actually been able to pick her up a couple of times, though when I put her down, or rather, when she squirms and jumps uncomfortably out of my arms, she’ll walk around in circles, purr and rub what is near her, wanting more. I feel somewhat like the kitty.

I asked my dear friend, “how did you get such a open and loving heart?” She replied ” your heart us just as open and loving, you give so much!, and you are truly loved”

Of course the tears rolled again, because I am opening, and I am raw. I am looking at love and generosity in a new way. I am seeing it, feeling it, and learning to trust that there is in fact enough, that that I can give freely, and that what I do give is of value.

Love brings up anything for the purpose of healing and release. This is something that I learned a while back and find it to be true.

I am opening the deep layers, healing and releasing. I am also learning how to receive.

I hope I can truly give back what I have been given.

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 13th, 2008 at 10:56 pm and is filed under Journal, process. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.