out pouring of old stuff
Sometimes things take time to sink in, things like the obvious, and in my vapid holding on, I suffer.
I have to let go, even though I am not sure what that means, or how to do it really.
But I am tired of the gripping, and it is a tired that goes to my bones.
I think I am finally ready to release and come in to my heart, to open her up, to share with who will receive her.
I feel scared because a deep part of me doesn’t believe I can.
I feel alone.
But…
I must go forward.
I am despite this fear,
and I have to remember, that I am never really alone.
October 13th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
the past is in the past… it is over. gone.
One of the most curious things about myself, and everyone I know is how we seem to live with the ghosts in our lives. As if the past were here and now.
Letting go is something you offer a lot to your friends… You say “Let go” to me in almost every conversation we have. Yes, let go. To let go. I let go… really I do.
But I think that what we may really suffer from, if we really suffer anything at all, is fear. Most of us don’t call it fear, because fear is a form of weakness… like shrieking when a mouse runs into the bathroom… but that I mean to say is that we are afraid. Everyone is. It’s natural. But we hold on to fear, covet it like something to protect… and eventually… actually frighteningly quickly… it is internalized, and it becomes belief.
And then we filter and parse the world through these beliefs.
Natural as this is… nothing happy, or good can come from this.
I have set about examining what I believe about myself, what I call self-knowledge, or insight… and been decidedly amazed at how almost all of it is a lie. Its best not to judge myself for the results I discover… that’s like comparing my lies to the world around me, and then beating on myself for seeing the difference. Hardly fair. Hardly kind.
In every moment there is a gift, a blessing, a lesson, love.
Join us here, when and if you can, and find that you are already the woman you want to be. The past is in the past. Gone. There is only here, and now.
October 13th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
I agree with everything you said, and I am really talking about letting go of present happenings, and how I respond to situations more than the past events and hurts. Yet I know I must be creating these situations somehow, based on past circumstances and ideas that I have formed. Things in our heart body and soul seem to hold memory, and it seems that our unconscious has a way of bringing things up. That is why life is a process, and one of becoming conscious to what is happening right now. I see what happens in my world and it is a reflection of my consciousness. How I must feel about myself in some way.
In most cases, it is wonderful. I see the love and radiance all around me, and I am utterly grateful for all of this wonder. Yet in other places, I am well… how shall we say, in the black, and not so keen.
Letting go is so illusive, and I am learning about it day by day. We teach what we most need to learn sometimes. I think I am really talking about letting go of the constructs that I have set up, learning what they are, seeing what they are and accepting. Then it seems easier to release.
No, there is no way to log into the past and shift things, I know this, I really do. I can only shift my perspective on things, and forgive and forgive and forgive.
FEAR is so sneaky, and it comes in a million forms, I cant say that I can pinpoint these fears. They creep up, and they furtively go directly to my heart and my throat, oh yeah, and in my stomach too.
I am here, right now, raw, and awake to life, I am feeling and expressing, not lamenting. NO NO
I love, I really do, but as you know, there are certain places where I seem to stick my fearful arm out to hold some of the love back. All of us do this all of the time in one way or another, that is why the world is the way it is right now. It is full of fear, and is calling for love.
Love