arline jernigan

I feel like writing, but I don’t know what to say right now, so we’ll see where this goes. I have so many things spinning in my throat, and I almost feel sick with it. I feel tears, agitation and restlessness, yet I am not really sad or angry, nor do I want to run away. I am just flooded with emotion, in fact these emotions have been fluctuating inside of me all damn day. I feel so much sometimes, and in moments, too much. I think that is why I used things in the past to numb myself.

Yes I am rambling, and no it does not make sense, or may seem cryptic. I apologize.

Sitting with this does not sound too appealing right now. Acceptance doesn’t either, and neither does “letting go” I want… I just want…, and nothing in particular.

Surrender? I don’t know exactly what to let go of. I am sure it is not my ego, because, in this realm of existence, ego is just part of the matrix we are in. We have the ego structure to work with, and it is not bad or good, it just is.

I suppose that I am in fact, attached to something, and I don’t want to believe or admit to this, and the longer I sit here and type, I know it is true. YUCK!

I am willing with my hands up, to let go, give it to the powers to be, and call it a day (at least part of me is).

I don’t like this, not one bit. I am conscious enough to see my mind, and how it works, but I have not mastered the art of acceptance. It would behoove me to learn this art, because the mind is going to continue to show me things about myself, like it or not. I feel like I am suspended in this awareness, and am being firmly asked to deal with it. I can’t force acceptance or transformation, but I most certainly want to.

I would love for my heart and mind to coalesce and stay united so that the love I feel for this world, for people and myself would not feel stifled, so that I can feel what ever I am feeling with out judgment and scorn, and so that fear does not run the show. Compassion for myself comes slow, and the split between my heart and mind has felt great today.

I am far from a pollyanna, because while I see the light and love in most situations, and tend to believe in beauty and truth, there is at once a very strong cynic inside me, seething at reality.

We all deal with this to some degree, it is part of the human condition, I know I am not unique here.

I didn’t expect to “feel better” after writing this. I just hoped to clear a few cobwebs, and I think I have to a degree. I still don’t love this moment that I am in, but I know it will pass, and my perspective will shift.

It always does.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007 at 10:36 pm and is filed under Journal, exploration, process. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.